Delivering life into Earth…26th May 2019
Part of my favourite job is slightly controversial. I really enjoy doing Caesarean sections and assisting births for animals. There is something magical, exciting, mystifying and fulfilling about bring life into the world (well, perhaps that is a bit melodramatic… transferring life in the womb to the outside world anyway!).
My life into the world is just a bit interesting (to me anyway!). I was born on the 20th of May (20.05) at 8.05pm (20.05) at night! So the number 2005 has a particular significance to me. What makes it a bit more random n interesting is that on 20th May 2005 at 8.05pm (20.05), I was delivering a calf! So, on the magic number of my birth many years ago, I was delivering another from a cow’s womb to the outside world! I thought that was pretty cool!
To elaborate the story a bit more, (WARNING, CONTENT MAY GET A BIT GRAPHIC but certainly will make you laugh. STOP NOW IF YOU CAN’T TAKE GRAPHIC!), I was standing at the back of the cow as you do calving, all donned up in my waterproofs with my water proof tops, bottom and welly boots… or so I thought… As I was easing the calf out of the cow, the pressure of the calf extended to the rectum of the cow, causing a huge amount of slurry poop to come out from the cow’s rectum and straight onto me. This usually is a non-issue as it is almost expected and I am in my water proofs anyway.
However, this time round, I am not sure why and how, the poop managed to find the gap between my neck and the collar of my water proof top and went inside my top in almost its entirety! I am talking about at least 4-5 litres of slurry poop! It felt hot, wet, slimy and slow flowing, not unlike pancake batter except it looks and smelt a bit different! Being the professional as I am, I could not and did not let that deter me from my job in pulling this little calf out. Apart from focusing 99% of my attention on calving, the 1% of my mind inadvertently was calling out, ‘Argh!!! I need a shower!!!’. After the calf was pulled out, my relief was short-lived. There were twins!
So, I had to help deliver the second calf. At this point, the slurry mess had cooled down and all I felt was my clothes being stuck to my body as though there was cold gritty glue involved. It was indeed very special. By that time, I had gotten used to the smell, the feeling of my clothes and I becoming one and that the farmer was laughing his head off.
You would think the drama ended there… but wait for it… So, after trying to look as professional as possible, (well I looked clean outside as all the poop was inside), the farmer kindly offered me to have a wash down. I accepted graciously as there was no way I was getting into my car like that. The most effective way I could think of was to strip off my top and wash down using the hose. That itself was a challenge, imagine trying to remove a messy top inside over your head without involving too much of your head, face and hair! It was this moment when all the neighbours (about 15 of them) all came out to watch from their gardens! Presumably watching a random Chinese vet washing down in their backyard was more engaging than Eastenders, Strictly or having dinner! I tried to look as professional as possible but it was not easy.
I hope you had a good laugh and not had to grimace too much. On a lighter note, please do enjoy the photo of puppies delivered by Caesarean on a Saturday afternoon.
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